Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
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“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
huge valentines day plans this year!!
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
Smooooooth
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Yup….perfect score!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.