“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
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Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.