And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
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If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
Whoa 😂
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
every single time
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?