Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
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Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
black phone good
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
I unironically love this joke.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.