[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
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A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
🤣✨#caturday
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Win every argument by producing a cute puppy from your pocket every time your opponent agrees with you and putting it away sadly whenever they don’t.
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in