[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
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[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
uh oh
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…