There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
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Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
how to market bottled water to dads
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.