7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
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If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
That’s classic.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Who knew!
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?