Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
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MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Everyone has a flat stomach. The L is just silent for some.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two