Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
This is my favorite one of these!
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”