Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
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if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.