[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
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WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
DISNEY EXEC: So we鈥檙e going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
If anyone is missing a cup it鈥檚 probably in my daughter鈥檚 room
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
鉂わ笍馃А馃挍馃挌馃挋馃挏鉂わ笍馃А馃挍馃挌馃挋馃挏
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
There…fixed it 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I鈥檝e made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
When you鈥檙e Godzilla every city is a walkable city
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
my mind
You just read my mind