Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.