*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
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I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me: