Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
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I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
“I wouldn’t.”
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this