Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
You Might Also Like
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
jesus, what did this guy do
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*