[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
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I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
I offered to split the check but my date insisted we go old fashion and fight to the death.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*