My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
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What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.