Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
They did not think through this water fountain
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit