Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.