Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
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If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today