date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
You Might Also Like
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
May never get over this
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
🙂🐾
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious