me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
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“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know