Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
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if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.