I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
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the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
See..?
.
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)