Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
🤣🤣🤣
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*