Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
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Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.