Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
You Might Also Like
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I have never related to a cat more
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.