I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
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Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
@funTweeters
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful