I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)