Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
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“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.