me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
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[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke