Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
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Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.