them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
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this is funnier than any friends episode
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.