last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
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a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
this chia pet tastes awful
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Food was bad, cabins were dirty, everyone but me was gruesomely killed. Liked the paddle boats. 1/2 star. -Yelp review of Camp Crystal Lake
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
So true for me
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh