Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
You think after 11 years of marriage you really know your spouse, and then last night I found out mine uses his notes app by keeping EVERYTHING – grocery lists, reminders, birthday present ideas – in ONE LONG NOTE
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
*offers Batman cough drops*
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.