I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
It’s a gift
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.