Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
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There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Every damn time
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.