My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
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The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.