[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor