[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
“Mom, I’m an adult. There’s nothing left for you to show me.”
(*folds a fitted sheet*)
“TEACH ME YOUR SORCERY, LINEN WIZARD”
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”