when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
*makes shocking deathbed confession to friends and family
*doesn’t die
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
britain’s three elite institutions
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations