When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You Might Also Like
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.