Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
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Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston