Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
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TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
When you try jalapeños for the first time
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
rich people when they have to pay taxes