My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
You Might Also Like
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
me [an australian]: man i could kill for a caramello koala right now
american friend: that’s not a real candy
me: or some yowie bungas
american: what
me: dropbear gobstoppers
american: no
me: cassowary chewies
american: please stop
me: sugar-coated funnel web spiders
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
Do people who bring bikes on the subway know about riding bikes?