I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
You Might Also Like
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
A ghost story
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
pizza
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Twitter is an abusement park.
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.