When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
You Might Also Like
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
you have three unread messages
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping