Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
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[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far