If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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I need this for my side hustle.
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
Respect
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.